P14: Breaking Free from Toxic Comparisons

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Today, I want to start the conversation by highlighting a growing trend and concern among us and the people we lead and care about: anxiety. And one often ignored culprit: comparisons.

The topic of anxiety has come up in almost every conversation I had this week.

One of the most confident leaders I know confessed to battling a trifecta of angst, anxiety, and exhaustion.

Three other peers I spoke to were actively battling it this week.

And every conversation with mentees, students, or emerging leaders regularly illuminates the topic in one form or another.

On paper, each individual I spoke to fits the stereotype of a successful and impressive man or woman. All have a track record of grit, achievement, and resilience.

Several already know and practice self-care for their emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being and know where to find wellness tips, tricks, and resources.

In full transparency, I am not immune.

In years past, the type A part of my temperament helped me cope with anxiety only to the extent that I learned to white-knuckle my way through it. Sadly, I emerged devoid of empathy and filled with the expectation that others should be able to do the same.

Now that I am older and wiser, I’ve learned to allow myself to feel and acknowledge anxiety. I have also learned to be grateful when the anxiety tide rolls in because it bathes me with the empathy I need to listen rather than preach or grandstand from a pedestal of pride and superiority.

Helpful Context

If you are like “type A” me in my early leadership years, relating to the plight of the people you lead may be difficult, so let’s consider the following context.

In 2024, for example, SHRM reported that “Anxiety Is Now the Top Mental Health Issue in the Workplace,” a trend that has continued to increase and is correlated with decreased productivity, absenteeism, turnover, low engagement, morale, and reduced employee creativity and innovation. Factors driving workplace anxiety include high job demands, job insecurity, lack of support, work-life balance, and toxic work environments.

Students are not doing better. Research.com reported that six out of ten college students experienced “overwhelming anxiety," while over 40% were saddled with crippling depression. Factors include academic pressure, social pressures, future uncertainty, complex family dynamics, and the inability to adjust to a new environment.

Today, I want to focus on just one theme and culprit:

Toxic Comparisons

Comparisons, even covert comparisons, are a recipe for anxiety. To be blunt, I believe that comparisons of any kind are cancer.

Comparisons often start as covert. Why? Because these comparisons are rarely acknowledged consciously or voiced aloud:

• I’m not good enough (as compared to ___)

• I don’t have the credibility or credentials (as compared to ___)

• Our team is not getting the recognition it deserves (as compared to ___)

• I’m too old or too young (as compared to ___)

• I should be further along (as compared to ___)

Studies have shown that comparisons can, in some cases, bolster personal growth and motivation to improve. Unfortunately, comparisons tend to be toxic, biased, and unfair in most cases.

We Rarely Compare Apples to Apples

Think about it. When you compare yourself to others, do you compare apples to apples or apples to oranges?

In reality, our tendency is the latter. We compare our weaknesses to others’ strengths, measure our failures against others’ successes, and judge our journeys' negative turns and delays based on others’ early arrivals at life's rewards.

A Word for Leaders

As leaders, we can put out the fire of comparison or expand the blaze by pouring gasoline on the early sparks.

For example, many well-meaning leaders fail to empathize with their team members’ most vulnerable moments when comparisons begin to surface. Ignoring the signs often leads to costly consequences.

A 2024 study exploring the dark side of leadership found that employees who frequently feel compared to their peers are likelier to experience negative emotions, decreased job satisfaction, increased cynicism, and a toxic work environment where anxiety and burnout prevail.

As leaders, we can foster an environment of empathy and support for one another, where we avoid comparing our failures to the wins of others. Instead, we can focus on the vision and mission of the organization rather than merely scoring points and accolades to stay ahead of another team.

Pivot Challenge

You can win today by flipping the script, curving anxiety, and resisting the comparison habit. This week, your challenge is to turn the comparison habit on its head. Consider these ideas:

1. Compete Only with Yourself: Compare your progress and reflect on your journey. Celebrate the milestones you've achieved and the obstacles you've overcome.

2. Compare Your Strengths Today with Those of Yesterday: Make an inventory of the strengths you've gained from overcoming past hardships and failures. Also, list your unique strengths and talents honed through preparation, practice, experience, and education.

3. Compare the Evolution of Your Core Values: Reflect on how your core values have evolved and how being older has made you wiser. Instead of comparing yourself to others, measure your success by the maturity you've gained over the years and how your decisions align more with your principles.

4. Compare Your Impact So Far: Consider the positive impact you've had on others, your community, your team, or your family. If you have forgotten, ask trusted friends or mentors.

5. Compare the Stages of Your Passion, Resilience, and Strength: Remember and celebrate the courage with which you've tackled challenges and seized opportunities through the seasons.

You can do it.

Until next week,

Maria Keckler, Ph.D.
Author of Bridge Builders: How Superb Communicators Get What They Want
Creator of the Just One Pivot Letter
Founder of Keckler and Co.

P.S. This issue was edited on February 9 to correct an incorrect source in the original email version.