P15: Stop Disqualifying Yourself

Read Time: 5-6 Minutes

Let's kick off the conversation with a few startling statistics:

• 100% — that’s the number of job qualifications women feel they need to have before applying for the position. Men tend to apply if they have 60%  (source).

• $2.8 billion — That's the estimated amount of unclaimed yearly scholarships (source), largely due to fear-based reasons and lack of due diligence (source).

Here’s the deal: Individuals everywhere disqualify themselves, whether they know it or not. If that has been you, keep reading.

Your next best move awaits beyond the critic's voice, convincing you to disqualify yourself from the opportunity or life you seek.

Here’s how the critic’s voice came after me this week.

I had spent three days participating in the American Seed Fund Roadshow, a series of meetings and presentations with experts from a national program that helps fund early-stage technology innovation. In simple terms, I'm learning how tech entrepreneurs get their world-changing ideas off the ground.

The closing session was particularly inspiring, leaving attendees with an open invitation to submit a pitch that could lead to an invitation to submit a full proposal for funding. The program director concluded the session with these words:

Ten minutes later, familiar mental chatter had hijacked my excitement and enthusiasm, transforming it into a battle with self-doubt.

Fortunately, having fought, lost, and won a few of these fights in the past, I now know how to pivot quickly and regain my momentum.

Today, I want to pass the insights to you so you don’t disqualify yourself when it’s time to reconsider your next decision or opportunity. First, let’s start with some context.

Why We Disqualify Ourselves

From a neuroscience perspective, your lizard brain—whom I have affectionately dubbed Lola the Lizard—shows up to do her job.

Lola’s charge is to keep us safe. 

Resistance (capital R) in the form of fears, self-doubt, toxic comparisons, or the diverse voices of our inner critic aims to protect and get us to pay attention: 

When we disqualify ourselves based on this fear-based inner critic, we believe an incomplete story (based on how something feels), selling the “potential” danger and “perceived” harm of failure, rejection, and embarrassment if we take a chance.

Yes, these potential outcomes are unpleasant but not lethal. Failure, rejection, and embarrassment are the building blocks of humility, courage, empathy, resilience, and the life you and I seek.

To win the battle against Resistance, we must understand the enemy and ourselves.

The 7 Voices of the Inner Critic

Psychologist Jay Earley identified seven types of inner critics. I prefer to think of them as seven distinct voices of Lola, our lizard brain. Each voice represents a different way our inner critic shows up in our mental chatter:

• The Perfectionist: This voice demands flawlessness and sets impossibly high standards.

• The Taskmaster: This voice pushes us to work harder and longer, lest we fail to achieve our potential.

• The Underminer: This voice wants to keep us from taking risks, convincing us that we’re not capable, competent, or worthy.

• The Guilt-Tripper: This voice makes us feel guilty for past actions or inactions.

• The Conformist: This voice pressures us to conform to others' expectations.

• The Inner Controller: This shames us into controlling our desires and impulses.

• The Destroyer: This voice attacks our self-worth, convincing us we are inherently flawed or unlovable.

Unmasking the Inner Critic: A Personal Journey by Debra Sammon

Recently, I was given the opportunity to identify my top inner critic and flesh it out by giving it a “persona.” Meet Freddie the Fearful.

This is the first thing Freddie the Fearful wants to know. He seems to show up when I consider challenging myself with a new project or adventure. 

With a list of reasons why I will flop or produce “sub-par” results, Freddie is always at the ready:

To be fair, Freddie has served me well in certain instances. And if I look at the evidence across all the components of my life, Freddie’s voice and influence have waxed and waned over the years. 

My undermining inner critic has been outed, and I’m feeling liberated, sad, and curious all at the same time—and that’s okay! I’m going to keep exploring this relationship.

• Where did I first lean into this type of critical voice as a “go-to”?

• What purpose does it serve?

• How has it affected my relationships and parenting style?

•  How has it ever served me in a positive way?

Taking on this exercise has cracked open incredible conversations with myself, my therapist, my spouse… The list goes on.

Onward!

Pivot Challenge

This week, your pivot challenge is to practice Whole Brain Living. Let me explain.

Freddie (or Lola, in my example) represents only one of four “characters” in our brain who can help inform our choices. When we involve all four characters, not just one, we pivot to what Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor calls Whole Brain Living. 

Meet the Four Characters in Your Brain

In her book Whole Brain Living, Neuroanatomist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor discusses exciting new research, identifying “four distinct characters” or dimensions that make up our brain. She explains how BRAIN Huddles can help us engage each of them, a key strategy to mitigate the fight-flight-freeze response of your lizard brain, driven chiefly by Character 2.

One way to start practicing Whole Brain Living is by engaging all four characters of your brain with key empowering questions:

• Key Questions for Character 1

  1. What concrete steps can I take to prepare for this opportunity?

  2. What evidence supports my ability to succeed?

• Key Questions for Character 2

  1. What fears or doubts hold me back, and are they based on facts or assumptions?

  2. How can I reframe these fears into constructive challenges to overcome?

• Key Questions for Character 3:

  1. What exciting possibilities could arise from pursuing this opportunity?

  2. How can I approach this challenge with creativity and enthusiasm?

• Key Questions for Character 4:

  1. What exciting possibilities could arise from pursuing this opportunity?

  2. How can I approach this challenge with creativity and enthusiasm?

Until next week,

Maria Keckler, Ph.D.
Author of Bridge Builders: How Superb Communicators Get What They Want
Creator of the Just One Pivot Letter
Founder of Keckler and Co.