P8: Fighting for What Your Want

Welcome to the eighth issue of Just One Pivot. If someone shared it with you, you can subscribe here.

Keeping what we want is hard!

Last week, we explored the liberating power of letting go of what no longer serves us—because by unloading material and emotional clutter, we make room for new opportunities and what our soul truly wants—and, dare I say, what it needs.

But what if what we want is already within our grasp?

What if what we’re chasing is already here, and we don’t realize it?

And what if keeping it is the real fight?

That’s what today’s conversation is all about.

We'll use the marriage metaphor to illustrate a more profound lesson that applies to any other chapter of your life—whether it involves a business, a career, a relationship, or a seemingly insurmountable challenge.

Ready? Let’s go.

Clarity (Your North Star) Comes First

Thirty-seven years ago, these two naive and passionate souls eloped and said "I do" in a little backyard in Los Angeles with 10 of their closest friends. Yes, that’s Sam and me, circa 1988.

Had the marriage been a startup, it would have folded within 12 months. Neither of us had prior experience with successful relationships nor a clear picture of what our new venture would look like in two or twenty years.

Before long, our emotional baggage filled with secrets, toxic behaviors, and past traumas spilled into our days, weeks, and months.

Fights, misunderstandings, and lots and lots of tears on my part ended the honeymoon stage in short order.

I was not happy and convinced myself that I had made a mistake. This marriage was not what I wanted after all.

Subconsciously, at first, I embarked on a campaign to sabotage the relationship.

I didn’t want to be seen as the quitter. Instead, I would make his life a living hell, and he would eventually quit with my blessing.

But nothing was working. Sam just kept being Sam, working on himself, apologizing, “praying for us,” assuring me things would get better, that he would become better.

I wasn't having it, so I turned up the dial on my pain campaign until it became annoyingly apparent that he was never going to quit.

The Pivot

When I finally surrendered to the idea that either I would have to quit or pivot, we set aside a whole day to start with the question that changed everything:

What do we truly want?

After a few painful hours, six words I had never said aloud spilled out with such force and emotion, bringing us to the utter stillness that follows a seismic shock.

“What does that mean?” he said, triggering an avalanche of crystal-clear word pictures born at the point of utterance.

It went something like this…

I want to be the first one in the history of my family to pass a world-class marriage example to the next generation.

I want to have a great adventure with my best friend. Taking risks. Creating things and building things.

I want a team of victorious conquerors defying all odds.

I want more than love. I want trust, empathy, compassion, and laughter that grows stronger each year.

I want curiosity, learning, and growth. Playful and snuggling lovers. Iron-sharpening-iron partners. I’ve-got-your-back. Always.

As I stopped to take a breath, Sam leaned in as water filled his eyes and said,

And there it was. Clarity.

Our North Star: We would change our legacy. Together.

Illuminating the Enemy Within

Having a North Star doesn’t make the fight easier. It illuminates the real enemy.

Sam wasn’t the enemy. My fears, anxieties, and traumas were the enemy.

All my life, I had seen marriages fail, many involving a cheating husband, a midlife crisis, and diminished women tossed aside and unprepared to rebuild their future.

On the other hand, I also saw marriages that didn’t end in divorce. Yet, they were not thriving. Two people living together secretly resent each other, blame each other, ignore each other, and endure each other.

I also noticed that the partner who walked away first became the black sheep and eventually the outcast—and that would not be me!

These fear-based stories were the enemy. They were the ever-present thoughts that fueled my actions—because…

Like me, you may already have what you want (though still evolving). To keep it, we have to win the battle over the stories and voices of fear and lack:

“What you need to be happy is somewhere else.”

“To be complete you need more.”

Fear and trauma are the enemy.

Past narratives are the enemy.

Scarcity is the enemy.

Now what?

Truth in Advance is the Fight

Changing the stories we believe is paramount. It’s like removing a corrupted program or operating system from your computer.

This is a big topic we’ll address further in the future. For now, let me leave you with a tool that not only transformed me, Sam, and our marriage but has also transformed the personal and professional trajectories of individuals I’ve been privileged to mentor or coach over the last two decades.

Speak “truth” in advance.

Remembering the past (mistakes, failures, and fears) is automatic. These memories and emotions are ever-present and guide your actions all day long.

Remembering the present (what you already have) and the future (your dreams and goals) takes effort and intention.

We do that by speaking the truth in advance.

For example, I already had the marriage I always wanted because of the vision in my mind—and Sam was committed to co-creating it with me, though it was a work in progress

The statement “I have a world-class marriage” became the truth in advance, and I began to speak, visualize, and journal. This new narrative changed my behavior and perception of reality.

This idea is counterintuitive, but it’s backed by research. Past narratives have a strong priming and gravitational pull that informs our perception of our present reality and, thus, our actions.

Remember: The stories we believe win.

We overcome this pull by changing the program. Thus, I can say that I have what I want because when I speak truth in advance, my aspiration, the North Star, becomes my new reality.

A simple tool to speak truth in advance is through the consistent use of a gratitude or prayer journal where you express gratitude for what you want as if you already have it.

Mine looked something like a prayer:

• Thank you for the courage to change my legacy.

• Thank you for ensuring that all my needs have been met.

• Thank you for the world-class marriage that blossoms every day.

Yours may look something like this:

• I’m grateful for the new chapter that is unfolding

• I’m thankful for all the abundance and blessings surrounding me

• I’m grateful I’m already wealthy in love, peace, joy, friendship, and all the big and small privileges I enjoy.

A Bite of Science

In previous episodes, I referenced the science of priming, which works by activating the brain for associations. For example, asking a question, changing the script, or journaling your gratitude "a la truth in advance" primes the brain for positive associations that influence your behaviors.

Focusing on what you already have and being grateful for the things you always wanted and have is a priming habit that rewires your brain. The opposite is true, but we have already mastered that part, haven’t we?

Your Turn

Think about your own North Star. What is it that you truly want in this chapter of your life? Whether it's a thriving business, a fulfilling career, a loving relationship, or overcoming a seemingly insurmountable challenge, clarity is your first step.

Take a moment to journal your thoughts. Ask yourself:

• What do I truly want?

• Who is the real enemy?

• What fears or anxieties are holding me back?

• How can I speak truth in advance and start moving towards my North Star today?

Remember, the journey won't always be easy, but with a clear vision and the right tools, we can change our lives' script and momentum.

P.S. Share the love with someone who may need to read today’s issue. Just forward it or send them to JustOnePivot.com.

By the way, Sam and I celebrated 37 years of marriage this year.